MALAISE

I read the word malaise today and thought yep that’s it that’s the word the best describes how I currently feel. Now don’t get be wrong I have bouts of depression and anger mostly anger but at the end of the day its malaise. Webster’s dictionary defines it as 1. An indefinite feeling of debility or lack of health often indicative of or accompanying the onset of an illness 2. A vague sense of mental or moral ill-being. The second one best describes how I’m feeling. I am at a complete loss at the state of the world as I am sure many of you are as well but more so I am at a complete loss at the state of my world. Perimenopause has proven to be a real motherfucker 10/10 do not recommend, pandemics suck balls as does our government, however the sun is shining and it is honestly starting to feel like spring in our neck of the woods so I’m trying to have a better attitude. Some good things did happen this winter though, I know I never did a follow up on my last post from all the way back in April so I’ll do that now. Our daughter was officially diagnosed as autistic and ADHD which has been eye opening and honestly a huge weight has been lifted and we can now move forward in a direction that makes some sense. This honestly deserves an entire post all to itself but I am still working through all of it in my head and my heart so I’ll save it for another time. We FINALLY found a new shop/studio space and it couldn’t have come at a better time we were both seriously over the dilapidated shed in the backyard of our rental that has no heat, leaks, is rotting and is going to fall down to the ground any day now. Hopefully getting back to work and creating will help lift my malaise. Speaking of creating I have a big project I’m antsy to get started on even though it’s not something I’ve ever attempted before and not even sure it will work or be good but I have FAITH and figure the worst that happens is it sucks and I move on to something else. I NEED something, anything to look forward to right now. What about all of you? How are you navigating this time in the world? How are you getting through? Are you ok?? Have you lost loved ones, friends? I’m not just asking about death but also just loss in general, I know I have and wonder why do we lose friends when experiencing grief? I do understand that some people simply can’t handle grief not their own or others and I also wonder if the grief were experiencing simply changes us so much so that many of our friendships simply can't survive. Did it need to end or simply run its course? Did it happen in order to allow new friendships? Am I overthinking it? Are humans just assholes?

BIBLIOPHILE: Currently I am reading The Essential Golden Dawn An Introduction to High Magic it is a straightforward introduction to the Golden Dawn system. I am only about a quarter of the way through but so far its an easy read very straightforward and concise. High Magic is something I’ve been fascinated with since I was in junior high and while I’ve dabbled here and there I’ve never really invested myself in it, mainly because I fell into the idea that it was “dark” so I navigated towards kundalini etc. somehow believing that was better only to discover it is not better or “lighter” and in all actuality it is quite dark, damaging and toxic.

REVERB: I’ve been listening to Wyatt E., Five The Hierophant and a lot of Ryan Bingham and Jason Isbell. Bingham and Isbell help me feel grounded I think maybe even like I’ve come home. Oh man do I desperately want to experience live music again it has been 2 and a half years since I saw a band play live. The last live show I saw was Boris and just before that Sunn. I pray things with covid start to calm down and I feel comfortable being in a crowd again.

PRAXIS: Still not meditating and at a loss as to how to get back to it. The last 2 years really opened my eyes to some nasty stuff in the spiritual/yoga community and I am really struggling to find my way back to something within that that makes sense for me, so for now I walk my dog and read. I am sure getting back to work and creating will help a lot in this area. Have any of you found yourself in this space of mourning your spiritual practices? I would love to hear about it if you have.

VISUAL: I have found myself looking at a lot of interior design stuff lately because in addition to a new studio/shop we have a small space to use as a store front, I am super drawn to art deco, dark colors, geometric wallpaper and moody lighting. I envision it looking like the inside of a jewelry case. I can’t wait to get started on it but first we have to move into our space and get it up and running.

May you all be happy, healthy and whole or at least working towards it.

Much love,

Rachel